Its been 9 months……

9 months you have been gone, the time it takes to grow a life. We would have been expecting number 4 by now and we would have been talking names. We would have been loving and laughing at the stages our boys are in, and getting extra creative together on training their little sinful hearts. We would have booked that getaway we planned for our anniversary. We would have been loving time rocking on the front porch while you were eating your cookies and we talked about our day. We would have been grilling out since it’s so hot to have the oven on, you always did such a great job at that! You would be planning the next trip for your discipleship guys, and been so excited about what the Lord was showing you to share. You would have been there for the first time to watch Nathan get in the pool and kick his little feet. You would love watching the big boys kissing their baby’s curls goodnight every single night and hearing Evan pray over him. You would have melted at the sound of your 3 year old making up songs about Jesus and helping his brother get his clothes on.

Big boys with Patrick

But today you aren’t here. The life we once had is past. Hard reality to grasp and understand. It’s a beautiful memory that I will never forget and will always cherish. You will forever impact my heart and life by the way you lived and died. I will always thank God that He even allowed me the treasure of being one with you. Every part of my body aches for you and misses you. Your babies still cry for you and tell me they are sad because you aren’t here. They still thank God for you every night, and say it’s “daddy’s potty,” and want to play with “daddy’s tools.” I cry for our sweet babies and the great loss they can’t even fully grasp and I cry for me who is trying to live when half of me died. I cry for your family who is missing their son and their brother and their uncle, who was the perfect balance to the family unit and the family jokes. I cry for the young men you mentored who I pray the Lord raises up godly men to resume what you are doing. I cry because the hole you left can never be filled, there are hurting hearts all over this world that are missing you.

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I can’t wait to sit down with you in heaven and talk about what the Lord has done. Hear you say that all this suffering that we are enduring every moment has been worth it. To hear from you about all the lives that have been changed and the families impacted through this, as you have watched from your heavenly view. I can just imagine you saying ” baby God answered our prayer and brought many people to salvation and glory to His name just like we prayed every night for our family to do.” For you to introduce me to those who have walked before us and have cheered us on each step of the journey. Can’t wait to meet Ruth, especially now as I look at her different, a widow like me. To meet those guardian angels we prayed about daily, and hear stories of what was going on in the heavenly realm and what battles were won. To find out you have been hanging out with my unborn siblings I always desired to meet, and that you got to meet my Grandpa I always thought would love you. To meet the unknown names of the people we felt led to give to their cause so they could be reached by the gospel. And Finally for you to be there when I meet our precious Savior who took the burdens of this world and sin upon Him for us, so that we could have a chance to have ETERNAL LIFE. As I thank Jesus face to face for how He has not left our family alone. I can just imagine how Jesus is going to make ALL things new and make all things beautiful again. How He is going to remove this gaping hole in my heart and make it new again. I can’t wait until we meet again baby.

Until then I will press on with Gods abundant grace. I will tell our boys for the 1000th time that God has a special plan for them, that we aren’t left alone, that one day we will see you in heaven, that God is their Father now, and that the Lord has been so good to us. We WILL walk not stand through this valley and we pray as we go through this fire we won’t come out smelling like bitter smoke but I pray that we would come out proclaiming His goodness and mercy even in the great furnace of suffering. Till forever comes for us we will be walking in today, holding onto Jesus each step of the way.

Yours forever,

Your Brittany



(the main featured picture is a necklace that was made for me with Patrick’s incredible handwriting from a love note he wrote me, along with me wearing his wedding band. A sweet group of my old bible study ladies blessed me with that treasured necklace.)

Comments 27

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  2. Your testimony is proof of the eternal hope of Christ…you are an inspiration. God bless you and your family! Would love to hear more about y’all’s love story (how you met, your marriage/family etc.)

  3. I can’t even remember how I found your blog…I was following a link on Instagram or something? But your story has really touched my heart and I am amazed by your strength and ability to continue to praise God in the face of such tragedy. It is amazing to me, and something to aspire to. Your boys are so lucky to have you.

    Also, I don’t know if you follow She Reads Truth, they have a site, Instagram, etc. But they are doing a study on Ruth coming up. They also have a study about mourning. I think it was called Grieving and Dancing? Or something like that. It made me think of you immediately because although you are grieving so sadly, you are dancing away at the same time for the sake of your boys. I hope you don’t mind the suggestions?

  4. Brittany, I truly loved reading your post. I wish I had your strength, my 9 year old daughter and I were in an automobile accident 7/18/2007 in Knox Bridge Hwy. we were hit by a dump truck and she was gone instantly I was told. I still question everything about that day, still ask why her? I be become very good at the “I’m Fine”. I wish I had your belief foundation. I mean I do believe that Gods with me, I just wish I knew why? Thank you for sharing your faith and your love.

    1. Sherry, I’m so sorry for the pain and hurt that you are walking through! My heart breaks for you. I know exactly where that is. I’m just so sorry! I would love to send you a book that has been a big encouragement to me if you are ok with that. If you could email me your address at I would love to send that to you. Praying the Lord upholds you a way only He can! You are loved and not alone!

  5. Brittany I have not had the privilege of knowing you as part of the Brown family but I am so happy I followed Patrick on Facebook and I’ve continued to follow you. You are such an inspiration to me. I wish I had served our Lord like you and Patrick but I chose to do differently. Now I am 71 years of age and trying to worship our Lord from my nursing home room. That is definitely not like worshipping with other people of the same beliefs. I will continue to pray for you family. Love to you and your boys.

  6. Brittany, tears are rolling down my cheeks as I read this. You so beautifully expressed how it feels to lose a spouse and continue you on without him with God’s help. Keep going. It will be worth it all when we see Jesus.

  7. I lost my husband 3 months ago and I have 3 precious babies, ages 2,3, and 5. Your words so beautifully express the yearnings in my heart. I was married to a wonderful man who loved the Lord and through his death, so many lives have been changed. God’s glory and beauty was expressed amazingly during his life but especially in his death. I love your words and I would love to hear more about how your handling your day to day responsibilities alongside the sadness that always lingers. I keep praying for wisdom and strength but the days are long and hard. Thanks for your words.

  8. Dana, girl my heart breaks for you! I’m so so sorry for the deep hurt and pain. I’m rejoicing with you at the amazing gift God gave you with a godly husband and father. It’s a hard hard journey but a Jesus filled one. Would love to connect with you my email is
    The Lord gives mana for each day and not more than that. Giving myself lots of grace during this time and focusing more on the hearts than the home. You are not alone! Also if you are in the Atlanta area there is an amazing young widows group that just started that I would love to connect you with. Hope you have a blessed night and feel the Lords sweet comfort!

    1. Brittany and Dana, I am far from a “young widow”, as I just now turned 67, but I am a newly widowed woman in the Atlanta area. I’m desperate for a grief support group, but haven’t found what I need yet. Perhaps you are aware of any other groups for older widows. It took me months before I could actually say, or even write the word, “widow”. I am far from being healed. I will leave a comment about my husband’s passing further into this blog.

      1. Susan, I’m so sorry for the hurt and pain you are walking through. Such a HARD journey! Have you ever heard of grief share? I heard it’s amazing! There is also a group at first baptist Woodstock that is a widows Sunday school class led by Lori Apon of perspective ministries. Her email is you are loved and not alone!

  9. “I can just imagine you saying ” baby God answered our prayer and brought many people to salvation and glory to His name just like we prayed every night for our family to do.” I loved reading what you imagined Patrick saying to you now. I know that Isaiah 55:8 tells us that God’s ways are not our ways…but so often, I find myself puzzled. Some things that I see as so wrong or so painful…and then I hear (read) amazing testimonies of how God uses these “wrong” things for HIS glory! Brittany, thank you again for the reminder of how good our God is, even how good His ways are. Thank you for the reminder that YOU are so very real, that you are knowing our Jesus in the “fellowship” of His sufferings, and still, you praise Him. Thank you for sharing the photos of your family. I pray that God will pour out His blessings on you and your family, and that He will continue to use you in such a powerful way!

  10. Love to read how you are trusting our Heavenly Father is lead you through this valley. You are such an encouragement! We pray for your sweet family every time we think of you!

  11. Dearest Brittany, here is my follow-up e-mail. My husband and I would have celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary on July 15th. He was diagnosed in July 2010, and did fairly well until July 2013, at which point the oncologist began chemo. This past year, 2015, was a nightmare, but my amazingly strong husband did not let on that he was as sick as I later found out he was. On October 12, he was admitted to the local hospital with various illnesses from effects of chemo. Long story short, he was transferred to hospice Friday night of that same week, and passed away early on Saturday morning. All of that situation could be written in a book, but at the present time, I have found such strength in reading your blogs. It will be 9 months for me two days after our anniversary, but instead of celebrating that special day, I will be with family and friends in a neighboring state to place my beloved husband urn in the family plot. I am dreading it, and have much guilt about how I feel. I have cried more the past week than I did totally since last October. When I am woeful, you pop up in my mind, and I am reduced to an infinitely small being. I don’t know, Brittany, how you are doing this. I have mixed views about Heaven, especially when someone says, “You’ll be together in Heaven”, or “You will be joined for eternity”. Am I not a believer? Why would I question what Heaven will be like? Will we be “husband and wife” again? My late husband did not think it would be so. He felt each person will be in the awesome presence of Jesus that our past relationships won’t matter, and there won’t be roles or titles, i.e. son, daughter, husband, wife, mother, father, grandfather, etc. I would be interested in your or others’ thoughts on this. Thank you ever so much for being so open while still raw, Brittany. God Bless you and your precious sons.

    1. Susan, oh how my heart breaks for you! I’m so sorry for the tenderness of this day coming up. Crazy how holidays, anniversary a and mile stones hurt so much! There is a book written by Randy Alcorn called “heaven” which is so so helpful to understand biblically what heaven really is like. It’s far more amazing than we could ever imagine. I think it would be a very helpful resource and encouragement to read what your husband is doing and what you will be doing as well. I love how scripture says ALL things will be made new and restored. Oh how I long for eternity! It’s answers all your questions with scripture to back it up. Help for our hurting hearts. You loved so deep so you hurt deep, at least that’s how I feel. My heart is broken and never will be the same again, but I’m thankful that one day IT will be new again and whole with the Lord. You are loved!!

  12. From the first time I ran across your Instagram page I felt an instant connection to you! WE are so much alike, it’s crazy. Everything you write is as if it was coming from my head. I lost my husband 5 months ago and with God’s help am making it though this grief process. He’s graciously put people to come along side me during this time. I so wish I could meet you! I’m sure our husbands are having conversations right now about the day we will all be together again and the Glory of all that will be accomplished through this. God uses the pain and knows every moment of our life. One song I’ve really enjoyed lately is “Sparrows ” by Jason Gray. My heart hurts for you because I know exactly what it’s like to lose your best friend at a young age. I don’t know you personally but I love you as my sister is Christ. Blessings

  13. Laura, I am so so sorry you are walking this hard road as well! It’s so pain filled yet so Jesus filled! Can’t wait for eternity with our precious men and most of all with Jesus! Blessings to you sweet sister in Christ!

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