9 months you have been gone, the time it takes to grow a life. We would have been expecting number 4 by now and we would have been talking names. We would have been loving and laughing at the stages our boys are in, and getting extra creative together on training their little sinful hearts. We would have booked that getaway we planned for our anniversary. We would have been loving time rocking on the front porch while you were eating your cookies and we talked about our day. We would have been grilling out since it’s so hot to have the oven on, you always did such a great job at that! You would be planning the next trip for your discipleship guys, and been so excited about what the Lord was showing you to share. You would have been there for the first time to watch Nathan get in the pool and kick his little feet. You would love watching the big boys kissing their baby’s curls goodnight every single night and hearing Evan pray over him. You would have melted at the sound of your 3 year old making up songs about Jesus and helping his brother get his clothes on.
But today you aren’t here. The life we once had is past. Hard reality to grasp and understand. It’s a beautiful memory that I will never forget and will always cherish. You will forever impact my heart and life by the way you lived and died. I will always thank God that He even allowed me the treasure of being one with you. Every part of my body aches for you and misses you. Your babies still cry for you and tell me they are sad because you aren’t here. They still thank God for you every night, and say it’s “daddy’s potty,” and want to play with “daddy’s tools.” I cry for our sweet babies and the great loss they can’t even fully grasp and I cry for me who is trying to live when half of me died. I cry for your family who is missing their son and their brother and their uncle, who was the perfect balance to the family unit and the family jokes. I cry for the young men you mentored who I pray the Lord raises up godly men to resume what you are doing. I cry because the hole you left can never be filled, there are hurting hearts all over this world that are missing you.
I can’t wait to sit down with you in heaven and talk about what the Lord has done. Hear you say that all this suffering that we are enduring every moment has been worth it. To hear from you about all the lives that have been changed and the families impacted through this, as you have watched from your heavenly view. I can just imagine you saying ” baby God answered our prayer and brought many people to salvation and glory to His name just like we prayed every night for our family to do.” For you to introduce me to those who have walked before us and have cheered us on each step of the journey. Can’t wait to meet Ruth, especially now as I look at her different, a widow like me. To meet those guardian angels we prayed about daily, and hear stories of what was going on in the heavenly realm and what battles were won. To find out you have been hanging out with my unborn siblings I always desired to meet, and that you got to meet my Grandpa I always thought would love you. To meet the unknown names of the people we felt led to give to their cause so they could be reached by the gospel. And Finally for you to be there when I meet our precious Savior who took the burdens of this world and sin upon Him for us, so that we could have a chance to have ETERNAL LIFE. As I thank Jesus face to face for how He has not left our family alone. I can just imagine how Jesus is going to make ALL things new and make all things beautiful again. How He is going to remove this gaping hole in my heart and make it new again. I can’t wait until we meet again baby.
Until then I will press on with Gods abundant grace. I will tell our boys for the 1000th time that God has a special plan for them, that we aren’t left alone, that one day we will see you in heaven, that God is their Father now, and that the Lord has been so good to us. We WILL walk not stand through this valley and we pray as we go through this fire we won’t come out smelling like bitter smoke but I pray that we would come out proclaiming His goodness and mercy even in the great furnace of suffering. Till forever comes for us we will be walking in today, holding onto Jesus each step of the way.
(the main featured picture is a necklace that was made for me with Patrick’s incredible handwriting from a love note he wrote me, along with me wearing his wedding band. A sweet group of my old bible study ladies blessed me with that treasured necklace.)