It’s Way Messier Than It Appears

It’s crazier and messier than it appears. There are five hurting children who need to be loved, trained, nurtured and disciplined. Five children that need to laugh, play, sing, dance, make messes, go to therapy and counseling, eat constantly, be held and reminded that they are dearly loved and that God has a special plan for their life.

I’m finding that joy isn’t in the easy, it’s in the hard places of life, where I am poured out so much that there is nothing left of me. It’s in days where I️’m in my sweats, folding one more load of laundry with my hair thrown on top of my head, that I️ ask God to cover me with His grace and give me strength for another day. It’s in that flashback of my easier life, before grief, with the same husband through it all, that the memory of him and the life I no longer have becomes sorrow that rises up and reminds me of what no longer is. My heart still aches in ways that words can not communicate. The moments where I’m holding my five year old, once again telling him memories of his daddy in Heaven that he can’t recall himself and it hurts him because we all see that the vivid memories can fade to the harsh realities of death.

It’s seeing the man I love walk through the door with tenderness and compassion in his eyes when he sees the chaos and his stressed and weary wife. It’s wanting to love well with everything you have when you feel like there is nothing left to give. It’s loving two children whose eyes tell the tale of loss from the womb when choices were made that effected them forever, to the hope of a life with a normal family, to watching the mother that chose them for life slowly die before their eyes, to living in loving chaos and now having to trust another mother who they aren’t promised will live. Their actions speak of the hurt they have felt, the patterns they have created and the needs that only time, Jesus and lots of sacrificial love can fill.

It’s laying my head on my pillow I have longed for all day, to turn over and let the tears of guilt fall and let Jesus hold them in His bottle, taking my heavy burdens and giving me comfort. Did they get enough of me today? Do they feel loved? Are the ones who misbehave getting more attention than the ones who have deeper needs that aren’t showing yet? Did I give them my all? Did my husband get my measly leftovers again? Did I look all of them in the eyes and tell them how loved they are? Did I share the gospel with them today? Oh God, why haven’t they trusted in you yet? God, change their hearts and lives! Help them to get eternity. More tears fall and more walls in my heart fall.

There is nothing here that is whole, only brokenness that is begging for the Healer to give abundant grace and joyful strength for tomorrow’s sorrow.

Trusting His hand as the strong hazel eyed man next to me holds me and prays God’s truth over me once again, reminding me I am not alone in this journey fighting for these souls and broken hearts. This burden is too great for me to carry so I must once again yield it to the One who carried the greatest burden and yielded the greatest victory on the cross for me. This today is my cross, this today is my burden, but this today can also be my victory. Less of me and more of Him through the pouring out of my self to be filled again.

Comments 7

  1. Thank you, Brittany.

    Your thoughts poured out through words are raw and go straight to our hearts. Letting us get a glimpse of what goes on behind those seven beautiful smiles teaches more lessons than you can possibly know.

    You are loving so well. Let Him fill in the gaps that you can’t possibly fill. So many of us are praying for your sweet family.

    When you wake up, know you will accomplish more for Him than you can imagine.
    And when you fall asleep, know that through you, He completed the most important things in those you have been blessed to love.

    God bless.

  2. Love love this post! Keeping it real!
    My heart wishes I could be closer so the kids could know me, trust me and I could give them TIME with Aunt Staycee and fold laundry with you, clean up messes, listen, pour Jesus, hope, truth and speak life into their lives, wipe the tears, be still in the messes, be another set of arms to hug and hold them, play, create, read and “BE”
    You were a good mama, figuring it out with Jesus and Patrick before grief and brokenness. That is what allows you now to still be a good mama able to sow, yield and harvest the little broken ones because you were filled up with Him, know how to go to Him, trust Him , hear from Him, choose Him especially when empty and walking wounded and Daniel too! He chose you to do this grief journey with TOGETHER. It is his JOY to be the man God in trusted to walk beside you, guide you, cry with you, uphold you, figure out how to do blending, brokenness, godliness, leading, family, discipline, grieving at all the various levels in any given moment, trusting-loving in a new relationship, a new uncharted type of husband wife relationship, shepherding, following, blessing, encouraging, failing and rebooting over and over!
    “There is no pit so deep, that God’s love is not deeper still.”
    Corrie ten Boom
    Proud of you ALL! Keep going to the source, that’s my pray because none of us surrounding you are qualified to fulfill the needs He see’s and longs to in your nucleus, your pod, your Brooker Bunch! I am so greatful for all who walk with you, support you and carry you to the Throne daily! You = Ya’ll 😉
    xoxo

  3. Brittany you are beautiful. I am praying for you and your precious family this morning. Thank you for sharing. You are an amazing momma and God will fill in those gaps. What a beautiful Savior we serve. We are victorious not because of what we do, but because of what He already did for us. Love you sweet girl!

  4. Brittany, you are such an inspiration and your words are so true. I have been a widow for ten months now and life is so very hard. The kind of hard that only another widow could possibly understand. I do not have little ones, but I have teens, and by days end I am so exhausted from doing my job and trying to do the jobs my husband had been responsible for. I know all too well what you mean when you say, “Did they get enough from me today, do they feel loved…” That list goes on and on. It’s so hard to be an only parent, or a parent trying to survive this world with grief. The struggle will always be there for us, married again or not married again. Grief changes everything! If we didn’t have Jesus, we could not continue. Thank you for sharing your true and honest feelings and struggles. It helps me to know I am not alone. Even though except for Jesus, I feel very alone. Prayers for your beautiful family! ❤️Kelly

  5. Your whole heart is in this post. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your truth. This touched my heart in so many ways. I admire you, you are an amazing woman; a picture of strength God’s goodness and grace. God is truly covering you and your family, let your worship to the Father be your fuel to cover youself, your husband and your children! Praying for you and your beautifully blended family!

  6. You are doing a beautiful job, my friend. None of this will be wasted, and seeds are growing that will bear fruit beyond what you can imagine. He sees you – and will make everything beautiful in His time. Love you dearly!

  7. Thank you for being so REAL Brittany!!! Your words touched my heart, and I can ONLY imagine the heaviness of this load you bear! You are doing an incredible job, and to KNOW you are relying on your Lord to get you through is such a testimony of your Faith!! God Bless each of you, and my prayers are with you for strength, love and Peace each day of this journey!!!

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