I Just Had No Idea

Early mornings and late nights there is a terrifying silence as all I hear are sound machines carrying through the hall from the babies rooms to my heart beating fast as I lay in what once was our bed all alone. Surrounded by pictures of us together and our life that was suppose to be forever. Tears run down my cheeks as I look up and see “I am my beloved and my beloved is mine” decorative sign and I lay here all alone without my beloved. I had no idea my life would be without you, without the joy you filled our home with. I didn’t know that sweet baby that was growing inside me, that you would feel kick and pray over would never hold a memory of his daddy because you were gone so quickly. I could have never comprehended the utter pain and breaking of my heart I would endure in motherhood as I watch my toddler break down and weep over his daddy, and wanting him here to play with him. I would never have imagined the dark loneliness that would fill my heart where once such happiness filled. I could have never seen this coming or could have imagined the great and unfathomable pain that would rush into our home in the silence of night.

The time I was asked,” are you married?’ while wearing my wedding ring and I started to respond yes but realized it wasn’t true, the ache of my heart continued.

Sometimes when I hold our sweet baby with his big blue eyes and precious little baby curls I cry. I cry because of his innocence. I cry because of what he has been called to endure and the pain he doesn’t even know about that  will come. This precious little baby is fatherless and will never know the great love of his daddy, will never hear him laugh or play peek a boo with him. I cry because when he was born and I held that little bundle I told him that he had no idea how he had the best dad in the world as you looked at us with your big proud smile. I didn’t know that it would be true later, that he wouldn’t know in person how great his daddy was. I am grateful though that he got to hold you and see you.

When we go to birthday parties or events and I’m juggling 2 small toddler and a baby by myself and I see everyone doing it as a family, it makes me realize my calling as a widow. My 3 year old looks around and sees all the daddies and it makes him miss his. I want him to see what family designed by God is like and what marriage is, just never would have imagined it wouldn’t be ours that was his example. We had planned and dreamed of how we would teach them to be godly husbands and lead by example, and now you’re not here to be the other half.

I’m striving to do it by myself and raise godly little men who will be exceptional husbands like you were, God give me strength for the great task.

We have a calling on our family. A journey we wouldn’t have chosen but have to accept and embrace. One that is pain filled yet Jesus filled. A lifelong season of missing part of us and clinging to Christ as our strength and our refuge. Of praying for God to fill the great voids of our lives with more of Him. A practice of surrendering to God’s plan even when I know my life will never be the same. Obedience when it hurts, hoping when I don’t feel or see hope. Trusting the unseen Joy of the Lord when all I do see is brokenness and pain. Believing God is good and does good when there is so much death and hurt in my life. Choosing gratefulness over self pity, choosing to open my eyes to see Gods great workings before me. Continually bringing needs before God and believing He will take care of our family. This is a front row seat to the supernatural as we rely on God for each breath. We can truly say in the deepest valley, God is faithful and never leaves nor forsakes His own. His heart is greater than my hurt.

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Comments 32

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  1. I pray for you and your sweet boys. You are an amazing ambassador of God, but you are also human with a hurt so deep it seems unfathomable. My heart goes out to you, and I pray will bless you in your journey.

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  2. Tears streamed down my face as I read this. Although I am an older widow with grown daughters, I can so relate to a lot of what you expressed. I, too, experience that quietness that comes when Ingo to bed at night……the quietness gets so loud sometimes as I lie there listening to my own heart beat.

    Your last paragraph really says what this journey of widowhood is all about no matter what our age. Your words blessed me this morning, Brittany, and I thank you.

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      Thank you so much Cindy! You blessed me with your sweet encouragement and prayers! What a sweet gift you are to me!

  3. I have many of those same feelings at night. I used to reach my leg over to feel his when I had a disturbing dream and now he is not there. I get out of bed fast and usually pretty early now. My husband Skyler died in a car accident on May 7 of this year and I’m now a widow with our 5 year old daughter and 20 month of son. My daughter is struggling lately due to starting kindergarten and I think she is starting to realize that da-da is never coming home. We blow kisses to him in Heaven all of the time and talk about him. My son will not remember his wonderful dad and what you wrote about him not being here to show him how to be a Godly husband brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing, we will keep moving forward by trusting in our Lord. Loni

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      Thank you so much for taking the time to write me and sharing your story. Oh how my heart just aches for you and your family. I am so sorry for the pain you are walking through, and I am so sorry for what your precious babies are walking through too. There isn’t quite anything like it in motherhood like watching your babies walk through that. I am SO thankful you know Jesus the Hope of glory and are trusting Him! If you are local to atlanta I would love to invite you to our young widows group. You can email me if you are interested at mrsbrittanyprice@gmail.com

      Blessings to you and your precious family!

  4. It breaks my heart to read this and think of the pain you are going through. It is so hard to understand why things happen even when we know God is control and there is a reason for everything that happens to a Christian. We know the Lord is our strength in life, but it is nice to have someone on earth to share our joys and sorrows. I know God has great plans for you and your boys and will guide you throughout your lives. Your writings are such a blessing and thank you for sharing. It should make us all appreciate how the Lord has blessed us in our own lives.

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      Thank you so much Nancy! I so appreciate you taking the time to write me and encourage me! I am SO grateful for your prayers for our family! Blessings to you!

  5. Brittany, you’re painfully honest account of your journey is so heartbreaking, yet it reminds me of the fact that anything or anyone greatly used by God must first be broken. You sweet child, have been chosen to be greatly used. I cannot fathom your pain but I will be praying for you and your precious boys.

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      Robyn thank you so much for taking the time to write me and encourage me. I am so thankful that the Lord can use our weakness and our utter brokenness to display His glory. We are nothing without Him, yet He still chooses to uphold us. So grateful for our precious Jesus! I am thankful for your prayers, what an amazing gift they are to us!

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  6. Brittany, I love reading your blog and sometimes what God calls us to do is not our choosing but you do choose to faithfully follow Christ. Our journeys are not easy but isn’t it awesome how God is right there with us. Bless you Brittany and your sweet boys. Some day I can’t wait to see your family reunited in Heaven! Always praying for you sweet girl! Cindy

  7. Thank you so much Cindy! So grateful for you. Thank you for always taking the time to comment, write, and encourage me! It means more than you know! And i too can’t wait for our reunion in heaven!! What a day that will be!

  8. brittany, I am so blessed to have you in my life. Your faithfulness and testimony have changed my life forever. I know Patrick’s loss is bringing thousands of people to draw near to the Lord with your outward thanksgiving to God even in the midst of unspeakable earthy pain. I know my marriage is not taken for granted and l find myself being more a Godly wife and refraining from saying certain things and being aware that each moment is a gift from God and it could be one of our lasts. Same thing with the way l respond to my children on the 5th time they are out of bed for the night. Recalling the sweet moment Patrick shared with your little one the night before he went Home. I love you and your faithfulness and your continued inspiration. God bless you and your sweet family!

    1. Girl you are so encouraging! Thank you so much for taking the time to write me and for sharing how the Lord is working in your life! You are such a blessing! I so appreciate you girl!

  9. Thank you for sharing your heart with us Brittany. You are bringing your emotions into the light so that the darkness will not try to overcome you! God is so near!
    I am always thinking of you and all the family. Painting cabinets, worshiping at church, driving kids around in the day, reading the Word, listening to music. So many things trigger my thoughts toward you. We are surrounding you with prayers, love, thoughts, and asking the Holy Spirit to continue to comfort, encourage and counsel you through your tears, moments of happiness, and service to those around you.
    His light shines brightly through you! I love you! See you soon!

  10. Tears are streaming down my face and my heart aches for you so much Brittany. Every breath must feel like a gasp for air when you have moments of such pain and grief. Even in such sorrow, your faith and hope is inspirational. God has something very special in store for you. You are truly amazing. Always praying for you and those precious boys.

  11. Brittany,

    Have you read any of Elisabeth Elliott’s books? She has one called “Passion and Purity” and many others that are wonderful, she was widowed twice in her life. She’s walking with the Lord now, and often I think how she is probably enjoying her sweet heavenly Prize- Jesus Himself- right now, alongside both of the husbands she lost. She lost one on the mission field and another to cancer. One day, you too will be enjoying your heavenly Prize, alongside your wonderful husband also. ❤️ She definitely has wonderful wisdom to glean from, I hope you might find some comfort in her books if you choose to read them. Much love to you! Saying many prayers for you!

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    Thank you so much for taking the time to write me and encourage me. I LOVE Elizabeth Elliot and have read many of her books, even before walking through this. She is a treasure! So thankful for her godly example in this journey. She widowed well! To God be the glory! Thank you again for your encouragement and for you precious prayers! What a blessing!


    Brittany Price

  13. Hi Brittany,
    I am so blessed reading your blog. I just lost my dearest husband on the 23rd of July. He was a very Godly man, just like Patrick.. he had lived serving God and had impacted the lives of many people. We were married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful daughters, one is 3 and thr other is 7.. i have been reading a lot about heaven, and it certainly a very beautiful place. Im sure Patrick and my husband would bump into each other in heaven. I still refuse to take the title as a widow because my husband is alive,just in another place with Jesus. I can feel Gods presence and true as you said, He has not forsaken us… i would love to be able to walk and share lives and encouragement with other widows.

  14. Preety,

    I am SO sorry you are walking this hard journey of widowhood as well. Its a difficult one filled with pain but also filled with Jesus. I can’t wait to go to heaven and get to experience what our sweet men are experiencing right now. Are you in the Atlanta, Georgia area? If so we have an amazing young widows group I would love to connect you with. You can shoot me an email at mrsbrittanyprice@gmail.com
    Blessings to you girl!

  15. Thank you for sharing your journey with others. I am a mother of three who lost my husband last Sunday October 2, 2016. The pain is still so raw but I believe by reading your blog, I will begin to find healing in God’s love and grace.

  16. LeAnne my heart just aches with you! I am so sorry for the great pain and hurt you are walking through. All I know is that God will be faithful to your family through every bit of it! Here is my email if you need anything mrsbrittanyprice@gmail.com we have an awesome young widows group in the Atlanta area if you live near there. Praying for you and your precious family right now. So thankful for the hope of eternity with our husbands! Blessings to you girl!

  17. This story has broke me and touched my heart in a strong way. My husband and I are going through a terrible struggle in our marriage. I feel like your words where speaking right to me. I feel as though your story was meant to be read by me tonight. I think Jesus knew I needed to see this and he brought me to this site. I too have 3 children. I pray that my husband and I can say our marriage because your story has reminded me how precious and loving marriage can be and how fast the ones we love can be taken away. Thank you for following Christ’s orders and sharing your testimony.

  18. Heather,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to write me and share that with me. I just took time to pray over you and your marriage and family. The enemy loves to attack marriages because that is the core of the family. So proud of you for fighting for your family even when it is so hard and so discouraging. God sees and cares for you and He will walk with you faithfully. Blessings to you girl!!

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